A Rejection Defense-Mechanism

Another lesson learned through my time studying The Artist’s Way!  In a recent week, one of the tasks was to list people in your life who you admire (or the more negative and revealing feeling of being jealous of), why, and what that says about something you could change in your own life.  One person I listed was my best friend Heather.  Heather is a performer and she attends audition after audition, giving each her absolute all, and you know how that ends: Many result in call backs for her (because she’s super talented) but so many times, as good as she is, she isn’t cast in that particular role.  I can’t believe how many times she can put herself out there and not get cast, and then do it again and again.

So, the “why” is that she boldly faces rejection and lets it roll off her back. And what can I do in my own life?  Be brave, be persistent, and don’t let rejection cause me to stray the course.

Yesterday I wasn’t chosen to lead a project I was really excited about.  To host a big event this year is something on my goals list, as it’s been about a year since I’ve planned an event and I miss it.  So naturally, to have been passed over on this one was a disappointment.  Still, my initial reaction was, “well, something else must be waiting to take up that time I would have spent on this.”  Another event or project that is just as exciting and challenging, or more so could be just waiting in the wings.

I was reminded then of my junior year of high school.  I had been a cheerleader my sophomore year, and many of my squad-mates were my best friends.  Somehow, junior year, I wasn’t chosen to be on the squad.  I couldn’t believe it!  But it turned out that year was my last year in high school (I went to college after my junior year) and I was grateful to have had more free time to just enjoy hanging out with my friends, going to concerts, and being with my family before I moved away.

That memory reassured me that I actually do have a rejection defense mechanism already built into myself.  Remembering that, I intend to put myself out there more and hesitate less when rejection could be the end result of an effort. Call it “God has a plan,” or “on to the next thing,” or the ole door/window analogy, but either way, I’m honored to know that I’m maybe just a bit like Heather.

How have you struggled or soared in the face of rejection?

A Trust Story

One year ago today I was in Austin, Texas on a bus tour across the country.  I was sitting in the auditorium lobby of a high school with two girls who were chatting with me about boy trouble and other high school things. I heard myself say to them what I often say to women/girls who are younger than me: Have patience with yourself.  There is so much good in life that is yet to come. Think further ahead in your life to the woman you want to be.  Things just get better and better!  And as I watched the sun set over Austin out the glass double doors, I considered those usually comforting words and wondered to myself if it was all a lie.

You see, the man I loved lived in Austin – the only man who I ever loved from the very first moment I saw him – and he was supposed to be there at the event with me that night, only he’d stopped returning my calls or texts the week before.  So I sat there that night and wondered if everything, even what was in my own heart, was a lie.

Fast forward several months to May. I had just moved to New York and was staying on a couch in Brooklyn, sick as a dog and technically homeless, watching Millionaire Matchmaker and sorting emails on my laptop.  In an old email account I rarely use I came across an unread email from him, dated about the time I’d stopped hearing from him.  The email explained why he couldn’t call or text, and another one that followed later said he assumed I was angry and that it was over, but that he was so sorry and he’d love me always. I was relieved he still loved me, but how much could one heart take? I no longer knew what to believe.  My trust had been broken.  The ability to feel secure in that relationship no longer seemed possible.  I told him I had to move on.

Fast forward again to November.  I was typing away at my desk one morning when my phone rang.  Almost the first thing he said when I answered was this: “I’m putting my foot down.  I love you and I want to be with you. I want us to commit to this.”  I said no.  He said, “My life is different and I understand why you don’t believe that, but I want the chance to show you. I want us to work together to find a solution,” and then he said, “I’m going to call you every day.”

Right. Ha. I thought. We’ll see about that.

But he did.  He called every day.  Sometimes we would talk for an hour and sometimes he would just have a minute to say hello.  He called every day.  And when I asked him a difficult or uncomfortable question, he answered sincerely and openly.  When I asked how on earth we would make this work, he said, “I’ll come there.”

Right. Ha. I thought.  We’ll see about that.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my apartment.  I went out to the curb to meet him and as he got out of the cab, in one swift move, he lifted me in the air and kissed me – right in the middle of the street.  In one way, I still can’t believe he’s here, and in another way it feels like he’s been here all along.

People will tell you that people don’t change.  That others don’t deserve second chances (or thirds).  I’m sure I’ve said those words myself to a girlfriend or two.  But I listened to myself on this one – I had to.  I was my choice to define what I believed in, and when not to trust it, and when to be open to it again.  And it was his choice to fight for me.  He battled his own demons, he bravely faced my mistrust, and he boldly came to be with me in a strange land.  (Are my fairytale references here subtle, or not so subtle?)

Every time he says “I love you” my heart leaps.  And you know what?  I believe him.

From Me To You, Valentine

There isn’t anything in the world more important than love. Share some love today – be it romance, appreciating good friends, or getting lost with a good book. Like my favorite love story, The Time Traveler’s Wife:

“There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love.”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

Here’s a little love from me to you!

Dear Kimberly, From Your Eighty-Year-Old Self

Yesterday I posted my letter from myself at 8.  Here’s the counterpart to that task from The Artist’s Way: a letter to my current self from myself at 80.  This is my favorite.

Darling Kimberly,

You think you know, but you have no idea.  I remember turning 30 – that was an incredible year and I sure had learned a lot.  I know you’re worried about growing your career, but it will be ok.  You will continue to learn so much and meet amazing people and be challenged in new ways.  Trust me on this.  Also, rest easy about Colt coming to New York.  Your life with him – even when challenging, will be even better than you’d ever dreamed.  Don’t be too hard on your daughter about being just like you – let her be her own person.  You don’t need a mini-me as much as you think.  And keep writing – don’t ever stop.  Good things are in store for you, love.  Kudos on the fitness and eating healthy.  Please floss more.

Love,
Your still graceful if forgetful self

I also liked the part of this task that was to describe myself at 80 and the things I’d most enjoyed in life.

At 80, I’m graceful but have a little naughty side.  After all I’ve been through, why wouldn’t I be a little sassy sometimes?  I’ll still travel and learn and adventure (with Colt!) and see Heather and Carrie and my kids and grandkids often.  Life just gets better and better.  And I’ll still have all my teeth.  My favorite things were naming my daughter, living in France, my run as a well-known author, my 30th birthday (among others), buying the lake house, my daughter’s wedding, Colt’s successes, our time in New York.

Try it out!  Write your own letters!  I loved being able to verbalize (via pen) the things I’m most hoping for and looking forward to in life, and encourage myself through some of the things I’m concerned about.

My Artist’s Way buddy, writer/blogger Sarah Hyde, shared her letters also.  Read hers here!

Dear Kimberly, From Your Eight-Year-Old Self

I’m halfway through my third study of The Artist’s Way!  My favorite task so far has been the letters to myself now (at thirty), from myself at both age 8 and age 80.  Not only was it fun to see how I’d lived up to my young-self’s imaginary future and then to look ahead at what I imagine my life to hold for the next fifty years, but adapting the voices in which to write the letters themselves was also a blast!

Here is my letter from myself at 8, and tomorrow I’ll share my letter from myself at eighty.

Dear Kymberleigh,*

30 sounds pretty old.  My mom is only 29.  I would think you’re married with kids by now too, but if not, that’s ok.  I want to name my daughter Samantha or Jocelyn or maybe Vada.  Or Mariah Carey or Liberty Belle.  And I’d like to marry (my first crush).  But I’ll probably move out of PA when I’m grown and will meet all kinds of new people.  I want to be a writer, or an actress, or a fashion designer and also Miss America.  I love to read and play Barbies and swim and write letters to my cousin Jessie in Pittsburgh.  When we go to visit her, I can see the city lights twinkling outside her window and it’s so pretty and magical.  I think I’d like to live in a city.  Where do you live?  I can’t imagine all the things I might do, but I know if I could I would fly all my friends to Disney on vacation and maybe own a stationary store.  I hope your life is awesome!  TTYL!

Kymberleigh

*At 8,  thought changing the spelling of my name made it much cooler.
**Jess, thanks for being a good sport about being in ALL the photos of me as a kid that I post online.

Playing Small

On occasion, someone comes into my life around whom I make myself small.  It’s not something I know is happening until much later, usually, and therefore am not as apt to exit the relationship or learn how to respond differently to that particular person.

It happens in friendships, romance, business, even family.  My particular experiences have fallen into a couple of these categories.  I once dated someone who praised what he liked about me and ignored what he didn’t.  He wanted me to fit into this box of what he hoped I was, and when I couldn’t live up to this imaginary person he thought I should be I felt rejected and I berated myself.  Eventually I was able to see what was happening and I have chosen not to be with someone who didn’t see my own unique brightness.  I’ve also worked with people who emit a sense of needing to be in the know, to have all the right answers, at all times. I’ve caught myself pretending not to know something (“Oh, really!  How interesting!”) or just keeping quiet when really I do know the answer and it might be better.  Or at least a different, also valuable, idea.

No more.  I am not small.  I have important things to say.  I have experience and ideas and there are certain subjects on which I can claim to be an expert.  And that doesn’t make me egotistical – it’s honest.  You don’t get to say it all.  You don’t get to assume who I am or what I think or of what I am capable.  I do.  And I’m going to say so.

This quote is pretty well known but there is truly nothing better to share on this topic.  Thank you Marianne Williamson for reminding us that we are permitted to shine:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

5 of Life’s Best Lessons (So Far)

What have you learned in life?  You know, the little things that make a big impact on what it means to live?  Here are 5 of my favorite life lessons.  Share yours in the comments!

1. Have your passport. I don’t care if you have plans to travel now or ever. If you have an up-to-date passport and the opportunity arrises to travel abroad, you won’t have the “I don’t have my passport” reason to say no.

2. Compete with yourself, encourage others. If you’re doing your very best in anything you do, then there’s no wondering “what if?” If you’re too focused on competing with others, you’re not giving yourself the attention you need, and you’re not building others up either. Consider yourself your best competition and spend your extra energy encouraging others instead of stepping on them. There’s room for us all to succeed in our own ways, and I promise, you’ll feel more fulfilled!

3. Buy the concert tickets. I’ve seen enough shows to know that some stand out in your memory more than others, but never have I gone to a show and thought, “what a waste.” If a band you love, or at least are curious about, is coming to town, grab a friend and GO!

4. Watch.  You’re waiting for someone outside a restaurant, for your drink in Starbucks, on the train platform?  Put that phone in your pocket and see what there is to see.  One of my goals this year is to notice more detail in the world.  Even if there’s nothing interesting to see, at least you’re letting your mind work on its own without constant electronic stimulation, and you’d be surprised the energy that can come from being a part of living society instead of digital society.

5. Sleep in.  Not every day, and not when you have plans, but sometimes.  And don’t you dare feel guilty about it!

What would you add to this list?

I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day… This Year.

I’ve been a long-time hater of Valentine’s Day, but something’s gotten into me this year and it’s not all the lovey-dovey romance stuff (although this year has the potential to be my most romantic February 14th to date).  Really, it’s not.  It’s something about love in general, in all its forms, given and received.

My Artist’s Way Artist Date this week was a 90 minute yoga class I took yesterday.  Toward the end, as I was on my stomach on my mat, thanking goodness for a break from the sweat dripping off my chin (attractive, right?), the yoga master said, “think of what motivates you in life.” And I thought… “The continuous reach to be my best self…No, wait: Love.” And as I considered which to focus on, it occurred to me: I can’t love if I’m not being my best self, and I cannot be my best self without love.

Boom.

Throughout the day, I kept coming back to that epiphany and exploring deeper and deeper in my heart all the loves in my life.  One of the greatest things about being thirty, or if you’re in your late twenties I’ll give you this one too, is that the friendships are different.  Looking back, my friendships of five to ten years ago were many of convenience, maybe filled with a lot of jealousy or mistrust, perhaps not all that intimate or else codependent, and often fleeting.

My friendships now… It’s hard to even talk about them without getting emotional.  These are women who have walked with me through fires.  Not just cheered me on, but took my hand and walked with me.  They tell me the truth, but they also give me the benefit of the doubt.  They allow me into whatever it is they’re feeling or struggling with.  They want to be their best selves too.  It’s more than just that these friends are a better fit, though.  I can hear it in our conversations that something is different.  This is grown up love.  These are lifetime friendships.

Another of this week’s exercises was to describe myself at 80.  Aside from details like “I still have all my teeth!” and “I own a lake house!” I made sure to write that these women, my valentines, would not be far away.

*Not all of you are pictured, but I hope you know who you are.

Heart, Humor, and Hope

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was a great read! Oskar was the perfect young narrator, with a voice truly all his own. I’ve had people tell me they’re holding off on this book because it seems so sad, but it’s not really. The way sadness is approached in this book is with the right amount of heart, humor, and hope that it’s a delightful read rather than a depressing one. Oskar’s adventures in searching for a way to honor and remember his father are really a journey of grief and self-exploration. From the very first page, I was ready to cheer him on and ride along with him. The story even gives you a view into Oskar’s family history which gave the prose even more depth, and reminded me of The History of Love, one of my favorites. If you’ve ready Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, check out The History of Love; and if you haven’t, then read both!

View all my reviews

13.1 Reasons Why I’m Going to Run 2 Half Marathons in 2013

Running is still a miraculous thing to me, even though I’m not quite beginner status any longer.  I went for a run Sunday just before I came home to New York, and the motions came naturally to me; I don’t focus on counting my breath as much, and my “take it easy” pace is what was once my “out of breath” pace.  But I still think to myself in surprise, ‘It wasn’t very long ago that this was difficult – what I thought was impossible – for me!'”  I am in awe of the possibility of running.

And that brings us to reason number 1 why I plan to run 2 half-marathons in 2013:

1. Running makes me believe that anything is possible.
2. I like where I am with my 5K, so this is the next rung on my ladder!
3. It’s an excuse to travel (the half-marathons on my list are LA and Seattle).
4. It’s an experience to share with my best friend, Heather.
5. Running keeps me healthy!
6. Running keeps me looking good in my cocktail dresses, (and jeans, and let’s admit it – I’m hoping for my best bikini body ever this year.)  Take a peek at my motivations here and here.
7. Running motivates other healthy behavior in my life: better sleep patterns, smarter eating choices, self-confidence…
8. It’s good for me emotionally.  I liken running to emptying an emotional reservoir.
9. It also gives me uninterrupted time to think.  I’m not online, I’m not looking at my phone, I’m not reading or writing.  I get to spend some time with me and my own thoughts.  What’s bothering me? What am I excited about?
10. It makes good memories! (See photos – Looking back it’s so fun to see all the different types of runs, causes, and seasons!)
11. The gear is pretty!
12. I run outside, which is time to spend enjoying the world and praising God for his creation.  I notice things like the light at different times of day, the seasons changing, cloud patterns, birds.
13. It’s mentally challenging; Running is more a mental exercise than anything else.  It’s a moment-by-moment battle within your own head of I-can-do-it/I-can’t-do-it/Shut-up-yes-I-can.

Have you run a marathon or half-marathon?  What reward(s) did you gain from the experience?  What are some of your personal growth goals for 2013?

Oh, and since I promised you 13.1 reasons, here’s the .1: “Why not!?”

Click here to visit my secret health and fitness page, and click below to see pics of some of my past races!